Thursday, January 31, 2008
For far too long we have been taught to resent our vaginas. To cover them up, to stop them up, to moan over our monthly fate and take medicine for what is a naturally occuring phenomenon. We're told we have to spend a dumptruck on "feminine hygiene items." What are you trying to say, mister, you don't think my beauitful vagina is hygenic without your items? I'll have you know the vagina a self-cleaning organ, and it's also by the way a beautiful miracle so there. We're taught to make excuses for our emotions and blame them upon a perfectly normal regular thing. There are goddamned personality disorders blamed upon having heavy flows! This is ridiculous repression, and I simply won't stand for it any more.
Goddamnit, my period is fucking radical.
Look, aren't we in a society that glamorizes gore? Doesn't hollywood make more money on opening week if there's more blood in the film? Well? Goddamnit?! WHERE ARE MY MONTHLY MILLIONS? My period is freaking awesome!
Reasons why my period is freaking awesome:
1) Because despite identifying as a lesbian, I do occasionally dabble in intercourse with men. My period is a friendly monthly reminder that I am still winning the battle to make it through this lifetime without being responsible for another being's life.
2) Because my vulva looks like a pretty little mouth with lipstick on it.
3) Because I like to watch the little drops hit the water and blossom when I'm sitting on the commode.
4) Because my pads can be used as Rorschach tests. And they have a LOT to say.
Ladies. Give me your reasons why your period is totally tubular.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
In sunday school we learned that God is Love. In philosophy class, we learned that we can say "A is B, A is C, therefore B is C..."
If God is dead, it is man's burden to remake ourselves in God's image - to take up God's burden, to take up responsibility for our own lives, our own actions, our own outcomes. It isn't easy.
If God is love, and God is dead, therefore... LOVE is dead? Love as we knew it has surely changed these days, no one can deny it... and therefore it is man's burden to recreate love... in our own image...
I'm just sayin'. There's going to be a lot more thought on this, but damnit I'm getting somewhere right now.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Last night's dream was no exception. I don't remember nearly what I did upon just waking up, which is why I'm scolding myself for misplacing my dream journal again... but I remember being royalty and having to duck and cover a bit. I remember being outside in deep snowdrifts upon hills, and having to hide myself in them and pretend to be dead. While in these snowdrifts, it became apparent that the only person between me and the throne was my dream-sister. I'd like to clarify that this dream sister did not resemble my real sister in appearance or personality. Sometimes my actual sister does appear in my dreams, but this wasn't her. So I had no problem killing her.
I don't die much in my dreams. In fact, I can't recall ever waking and having dreamed of my death. I have done a lot of killing in my dreams. It's not a frequent theme or anything, but it does happen. This murder was really curious. It involved beating her head until I knew that the previously uniform mass within it had ... not dissolved or even shattered but somehow separated... hitting her skull, I felt its contents move around like marbles made of jello... I left her body in the snow and went back to my people's great hall.
I made it back there but didn't want to be spotted immediately for some reason. I was trying to overhear some comments on the state of things and where I stood. I tried to pass as someone serving ale or something alcoholic in a pitcher, and one fellow took too much of a liking to me and keeping my honor was looking difficult. So I stood up and threw up my arms and said something to the effect of "Do you not know your Queen?" and he did a lot of cowering and I did a lot of ordering his tortured death.
I remember laying down in my big bed in my big chamber with a couple of small dogs. I remember one of the dogs acting funny, and when I put my hands on her, I could tell she had about half of the marble-brain problem my dead sister had had. I was sad about it, but shrugged in the dream, and somehow justified this dog's suffering by saying sometimes people are going to get hurt.
I believe that our brain uses sleep-time to do sorting and cleanup and subconsciously make decisions by putting ourselves into situations that represent the ones we won't make consciously. I believe my brain is a little crazy, yes, but that I am supposed to have woken knowing that I will be okay, all the time. I'm the kind of girl who won't give up and will do what she has to to make sure she's alright. It was a weird way to get the message (and weird is being used to describe my current situation with increasing frequency) but it's a good message to get.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Seems like the Good Lord's on permanent vacation. Having just finished reading the Golden Compass books, I'm beginning to wonder if God is even still alive, but that's another blog entry entirely. This one's all about love.
See, since the Almighty Whatever has quit sending out bulletined memos of His great plan for us all individually, we kindof have to wing it, taking hints from the Universe as they get dropped in our paths. Once I almost bought a house, but as I was about to hit the road for the closing deal, a huge snowstorm rolled in. During that snowstorm, I rethought the whole purchase and probably saved myself a lot of headache by reasoning my way out of it. So maybe we don't get typed reports, but maybe the Universe is trying to make up for things by giving us a little nudge here and there when we need it most.
The Universe has been nudging me pretty seriously lately. The Universe says I'm supposed to find out what my ideas about love are, and why I'm so reluctant to get into it. So I ask myself, why Miss Ginna Funk Dub are you so reluctant to love? Perhaps, I answer, it's because I don't know what I expect from Love. This would have to be because I don't know what I want from it. Why on earth wouldn't I know what I want from love? Then that must be because I don't know what it feels like to be loved - either I've forgotten it... or I never really had it. This of course makes me think about my mother again... but I can only blame her for so many of my life's problems. I have to step up now and again. So I'm reluctant to love because I don't know what I want from it because I don't know what it is. Pshew. That took a heck of an afternoon to figure out, by the way!
Perhaps I have known love, but I hold on to the negative experiences more and they wash out the happy ones. All I can think about, when reflecting on love, is my mother - with her heart always just outside my arm's reach. I think about this last poor soul I tried to date, who failed me so completely - ignored the delicious decadent love I daily cooked up and came home with Taco Bell. Okay maybe that's a weird metaphor, but let's discuss what's really weird here. What's really weird is that "I comes before E; except after C... or when they spell 'Ay' like in neighbor and weigh." And yeah also except in the word weird, which is weird.
And then I think about the one time I really honestly truly believe I might have been honestly in actual love and being genuinely loved back... and how I decided I couldn't stand to be that happy and got myself out of it. What on earth did I do that for? Because legality and papers scared me away? What a pathetic answer. There has to be more to it - more meditation needs to be scheduled.
Also this tarot reading a dear beloved friend has given me, which is encouraging me to ask myself these questions and more, warns of an unwanted pregnancy. Universe, you'd better not get too weird on me now! I can only handle so much!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
I actually asked her if she wanted to meditate.
Do you believe it? So i grabbed my sleeping bag
and we left our boyfriends behind
walked out into the trees until
they cleared themselves for us
parked the mat
under the boughs
The most important thing to do during meditation
is to clear one’s mind of thoughts
and as soon as we did, we could hear our hearts thinking
so loudly that
it only echoed wild emotional harmonies
between our hearts in the clear sky
stars like freckles smiled at us as the moon gave us her blessing
and i leaned to kiss her.
It was a beautiful, innocent thing, the kiss,
and as we picked out constellations in the sky
we became Gemini spinning, she and i
reflected through the branches in the sky
for the cosmos to spin around us.
How could i tell her i loved her
when we’d both have to go back to our boyfriends
before they noticed us gone long?
Coz we were long gone we
replaced Gemini in the sky
i found constellations in her eyes
tasted heaven in her mouth
found a rain between her thighs
while she held me there…
Her gratified sighs harmonized with the breeze
passing through the trees…
and her cornsilk hair curled around her neck.
I kissed her there, we held each other
talked little and thought long about futures and pasts
the present she gave me had me dreaming
of flying away with her
to build us a bed in the big dipper
leaving all our friends behind;
we were at a party, see, everyone camping,
but we never feared discovery.
The moon smiled at us, and though we were too young
and too attached to voice it,
she saw our love and reflected it back at us
laughed at us
"I’ve kept so many lovers safe—"
she told us
"—you are my beautiful twin daughters…"
and we were.
How many loves have you held in your hands that you let get away?
It’s a lie, when they say
that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.
I knew before i had her what a star she was,
and when i had her again, later,
i let her go once more.
It’s terrible, promises we make when we’re young and younger,
too young we were both promised to others,
and we two-sided Geminis turned back to our Leo and Taurus
like so many before us
I’ve kept in contact with the moon, my mother,
i am her Virgo and she saw me through my attachment
waited for me on the other side and
helped me to see how sweet freedom can be
i’ve promised myself temporarily to celibacy
to help. me. love. me.
and if she ever comes back to me i know
the moon will smile on us again
and we’ll be Gemini spinning,